Why language matters: how we talk about sibling sexual behaviour and abuse

Children’s sexual development and behaviour can be a sensitive subject, and professionals often lack confidence when talking about it.¹ In cases of sexual behaviour between siblings, the subject becomes particularly complex and nuanced, and it can be hard for professionals to find the right words.

A lack of clarity and confidence among professionals often leads to imprecise language, which can result in responses that are disproportionate to the behaviour being displayed. When talking about sibling sexual behaviour, it’s crucial that the words we use accurately describe the sibling dynamic, while staying sensitive to the needs of the children and families involved.

Terms in use

Sibling sexual behaviour exists on a continuum, from age-appropriate childhood play and exploration, to behaviour that is inappropriate or problematic, through to abusive behaviours.² Identifying where on the continuum certain behaviours exist can be difficult. This difficulty is often compounded by the way professionals and the general public talk about and characterise sibling sexual behaviour.

You may have used or heard one or more of the following terms:

• sibling sexual abuse
• sibling incest
• sibling sexual behaviour
• harmful sexual behaviour (HSB) between siblings
• sibling sexual trauma.

There is no single term that academics, policymakers and practitioners, as well as children, families and adults with lived experience, agree on and use to capture the broad range of sexual behaviours that can occur between siblings.

Many of the terms that are in use lack universally agreed definitions.³ Terms can be confused, misused or misinterpreted by those working with children. This can impact how professionals and caregivers respond when presented with cases of sexual behaviour between siblings.

Minimising or overlooking abuse

Some terms span a broad range of sexual behaviours between siblings. For example, ‘sibling sexual behaviour’ is an overarching term that has been applied to behaviour that sits anywhere on the continuum from age-appropriate explorative play to cases of sibling sexual abuse.

If professionals use ‘sibling sexual behaviour’ when talking about cases of sibling sexual abuse – defined by Hanson as sexual behaviour between siblings that goes beyond play, lacks mutuality and is assisted by a power imbalance or coercion⁴ – they risk minimising and downplaying the abusive nature of the behaviour and the harm caused.

When the language becomes too generic, it can lead professionals to underestimate the level of risk and harm. This may result in an inadequate response that enables the abuse to persist, such as allowing the siblings to continue sharing a bedroom and not referring them to therapeutic support to understand and meet their safety and wellbeing needs.

Professionals over-responding

Confusion around language can also result in professionals over-responding. Without a clear definition, ‘sibling sexual abuse’ may be used to describe various forms of sexual behaviour between siblings, including problematic or developmentally inappropriate behaviours.⁵

Sexual behaviours can be problematic or developmentally inappropriate without being abusive.⁶ For example, siblings may act out their exposure to sexual experiences they are not developmentally ready for.

Using the term ‘sibling sexual abuse’ to describe these sorts of behaviours can result in professionals responding in a way that is disproportionate, such as if care proceedings are initiated when family-centred therapeutic work would have been appropriate, or if overly restrictive safety plans are put in place.

> Find out more about understanding sexualised behaviour in children

Blaming or shaming children who have been harmed

Some terms imply a shared responsibility for the behaviour. For example, ‘HSB between siblings’ acknowledges harm but may be taken to mean that the harmful behaviour has been displayed by both siblings. ‘Incest’ or ‘sibling incest’ – terms sometimes used to describe sibling sexual behaviour – may also imply joint responsibility.⁷

When terms like these are used to describe cases involving a child who harmed and a child who was harmed, the language doesn’t reflect the directionality of harm and can suggest that the behaviour was consensual even when harmful or abusive characteristics were present.

This risks making the child who was harmed feel partly responsible for what happened, exacerbating the harm caused and impacting their ability to recover. It also risks misrepresenting the situation to other professionals, who may provide support that is unsuited to the needs of the siblings and the family.

Stigmatising children who have harmed

Children’s pathways to displaying sibling sexual harm or abuse are often complex and multi-factorial.⁸ For example, a disproportionate number of these children have themselves been exposed to harm and adversity, such as sexual and domestic abuse.⁹

Being able to identify sibling sexual abuse and accurately describe abusive behaviours is a crucial part of professional practice. However, professionals should also make sure that characterising behaviour as abusive doesn’t lead them to perceive or label children who have displayed the behaviour as abusers.

This can further their shame and overlook their needs and status as children who may have experienced abuse themselves.

> Read our Why language matters blog on labelling actions, not children when talking about harmful sexual behaviour

Accurately describe the dynamic

When characterising sibling sexual behaviour, it’s important to use language that accurately describes the behaviour, the context and the dynamic between the siblings. This might involve asking yourself:

• what was the behaviour of each sibling?
• is there a power imbalance?
• was force or coercion used?
• what was the context?
• what was the impact of the behaviour?

Talking about sibling sexual behaviour in this way means professionals don’t have to rely on terms which lack fixed definitions and can be easily misinterpreted. This reduces the risk of miscommunication among professionals, helping to ensure children and families receive a response that is proportionate, appropriate and balanced.

Be sensitive in your language choices

Sibling sexual behaviour can have a significant impact on siblings and their parents or caregivers. It’s important to consider how language impacts the way the family perceives the situation and the role it plays in their ability to recover.

Professionals should work with the sibling who harmed and the sibling who was harmed to understand how they prefer to talk about what happened. In some cases, the term ‘abuse’ may offer closure and validation, helping the siblings and the family to understand what happened and start to recover. In other cases, talking about ‘abuse’ could act as a barrier to recovery for the family.¹⁰ It’s important to speak to children and families in language that they can relate to and that encourages openness and honesty about what has happened, supporting recovery.